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Why Melbourne's Corporate Report Writers Are Rubbish (And How to Fix It)

Here's something that'll make you cringe: I've just spent my morning reading through 47 executive reports from various Melbourne companies, and honestly, I wanted to stick pins in my eyes. These weren't reports from junior staff either—these were senior managers, team leaders, and department heads who are supposedly running the show.

The problem isn't that people can't write. It's that nobody taught them how to write reports that actually matter.

The Melbourne Report Writing Crisis Nobody Talks About

Look, I've been running workplace training sessions across Australia for the past 18 years, and Melbourne has a particular problem. Maybe it's the coffee culture, maybe it's the four-seasons-in-one-day weather that scrambles people's brains, but Melburnians seem to think a good report is one that sounds fancy rather than one that gets results.

Case in point: last month I worked with a major consulting firm in Collins Street. Their quarterly reports read like academic dissertations crossed with legal documents. Forty-three pages to say what could've been communicated in three. The CEO told me he'd stopped reading them entirely.

That's not communication. That's corporate masturbation.

What Actually Makes Reports Work

The best reports I've seen—and I mean the ones that actually change things—follow three non-negotiable rules:

First: Start with the punch line. Put your recommendation, your key finding, or your main point right at the top. I know it goes against everything you learned in school, but this isn't a mystery novel. Your executive doesn't have time to follow breadcrumbs through your analytical journey.

Second: Use real data, not fluffy statements. Instead of "significant improvement," say "23% increase." Instead of "substantial cost savings," say "$47,000 reduction." Numbers cut through corporate speak like a hot knife through butter.

Third: Make it scannable. Use bullet points. Use headings. Use white space. Managing difficult conversations isn't just about face-to-face interactions—it's about making your written communication so clear that nobody has to have a difficult conversation about what you meant.

The Templates That Actually Work

Here's where most report writing training gets it wrong. They give you generic templates that work for everything and therefore work for nothing.

For performance reports, I use what I call the "Traffic Light Structure": Red (problems), Amber (risks), Green (wins). Simple. Clear. Actionable.

For project updates, it's even simpler: What we did, what we learned, what's next, what you need to decide.

For budget reports: Where we are, where we should be, why there's a gap, how we fix it.

That's it. No fancy formatting, no executive summaries that summarise nothing, no appendices that nobody reads.

Why Melbourne Businesses Keep Getting This Wrong

The problem starts in our universities. I've lost count of how many graduates walk into my workshops convinced that longer equals better, that complexity demonstrates intelligence, that using big words makes them sound professional.

Wrong, wrong, and wrong again.

The best business writers I know—people like the team at Wesfarmers, or the folks running communications at Rio Tinto—write like they're explaining something to their neighbour over the back fence. Clear, direct, human.

But here's the controversial bit: most managers actually prefer bad reports.

Sounds crazy, right? But think about it. A vague, wishy-washy report gives them plausible deniability. They can interpret it however suits their agenda. A clear, direct report forces them to make actual decisions.

That's why so many corporate cultures reward verbose nonsense over clarity.

The Skills Nobody Teaches (But Everyone Needs)

Real report writing isn't about grammar or vocabulary. It's about understanding your audience's attention span (roughly 90 seconds for most executives), their decision-making style (data-driven vs. intuitive), and their tolerance for bad news (varies wildly).

I learned this the hard way in 2019 when I submitted what I thought was a brilliant analysis to a client's board. Fifteen pages of detailed research, comprehensive recommendations, supporting evidence. The feedback? "Too long, didn't read."

That hurt. But it taught me something crucial: good reports aren't about showing how smart you are. They're about making smart decisions easier for other people.

Now when I run time management training sessions, I always include a module on report writing. Because the two are intimately connected. Bad reports waste everyone's time. Good reports create time by eliminating confusion.

The Melbourne Advantage (When Done Right)

Here's something positive: Melbourne's collaborative business culture actually gives us an advantage in report writing. We're naturally good at considering multiple perspectives, at acknowledging complexity without drowning in it.

The trick is channelling that into structure rather than letting it create rambling mess.

I've seen brilliant reports from Melbourne teams that manage to be both comprehensive and concise. The secret? They write for their audience, not for themselves.

Quick Wins for Better Reports

Want immediate improvement? Try these:

  • Write your conclusion first, then work backwards
  • Use the "So what?" test for every paragraph
  • Read your report out loud (seriously, this catches 80% of clarity issues)
  • Include one clear action item for every problem you identify
  • Format for mobile reading (because half your audience will read it on their phone)

The stress management training I run often includes techniques for handling the anxiety that comes with putting your ideas in writing. Because that's really what report writing fear is about—fear of being judged, fear of being wrong, fear of taking a position.

But here's the thing: wishy-washy reports are more likely to get you in trouble than clear ones, even if you're occasionally wrong. Decision-makers respect clarity, even when they disagree with your conclusions.

The Future of Business Communication

We're moving towards shorter attention spans, faster decision cycles, and more distributed teams. The old 20-page quarterly report is going the way of the fax machine.

Smart Melbourne businesses are already adapting. They're using dashboards for routine updates, video summaries for complex projects, and brief written reports only for decisions that need documentation.

But until everyone catches up, knowing how to write a proper report gives you a massive competitive advantage.

Stop trying to impress people with your vocabulary. Start trying to help them make better decisions faster.

That's what good reporting actually does.

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